Bad Hair

What is in the hell is up with my hair? After forty-seven years of faithful service, it is obvious to everyone that my hair is now more of a liability than an asset.  This was made clear  to me during a test of the Face Time technology that is built into my iPhone 4.  Face Time allows the caller to make a video call (think The Jetsons) to anyone else who has an iPhone 4, provided that both parties have wi-fi access.  It is wondrous technology but for one glaring problem-IT LETS OTHER PEOPLE SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! Not only does Face Time allow you to see the person with whom you are talking, it also allows you to see yourself. And that's the problem. If your game is always tight then I suppose that this really isn't a drawback, but if you are on a personal hygiene vacation just know that the camera will rat you out.

So, back to the Face Time call.  I had been swimming earlier in the evening and when this person called to test out Face Time, I had not combed my hair since coming home from the pool.  When we started the call and I got to see what I looked like, I determined that video calling is not something I am all that interested in.  We all know what the pool does to your hair, right?  Well, when I saw myself my first thought was that I had turned into Dr. Emmett Brown, Christopher Lloyd's character in "Back to the Future".

1.21 Gigawatts!

In my youth, I had good hair.  It was wavy and brown and —best of all—there was lots of it.  It was an asset.  Most definitely.  

The glory days.

Now my hair looks like an unwatered Phoenix lawn in August. It is gray, brittle, and thin. You would think that I have been shampooing with Round Up.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Good hair is an asset.  Bad hair is a liability.  Take Arthur Liman, for example.  Liman was an attorney who achieved notoriety while serving as chief counsel for the United States Senate during the Iran-Contra Affair.   However,  it was not his brilliant legal strategy that made him notable.  It was his hair.

He had the worst looking hair you will ever see.  Seriously.  I believe it was legendary Washington Post humorist Art Buchwald who wrote that it looked as though someone had dumped a plate of fettucine on Liman's head.  This is what I remember most about the covert operation that almost derailed Ronald Reagan's presidency?  The fettucini hair remark.  Like I said, good hair is an asset,  bad hair is a liability.

Fettucini head.

I have a medicine cabinet full of hair potions, conditioners, mousses, pomades, and restorative oils. Nothing works. This looks like a fight I cannot win.  My wife makes fun of it all while she sits there triumphantly combing out her luxurious tresses.  Is she oblivious to the role that hair plays in a man's assessment of his own self-esteem? Has she never heard of Samson? 

Thank you, but no.

I  understand now why hair restoration is a multi-billion dollar per year business.  It's easy to make fun of the clowns who get hair plugs or weaves until you become one of those clowns who needs hair plugs or a weave.  Not to worry though, no Hair Club for Men for me.  No, instead I think I will cryogenically freeze my hair and wait for the Human Genome Project to deliver on the promise of eternal hair.